The Islamic View Of Adoption And Caring For Homeless Children

The Islamic View Of Adoption And Caring For Homeless Children
by Imad-ad-Dean Ahmad, Ph.D.

The most famous orphan in Islamic culture is, without doubt, the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. His father died before he was born and by the time he was eight he had lost both his mother and the grandfather who named him. He was subsequently raised by his uncle Abu Talib who continued to be his protector until his own death, when Muhammad was an adult of almost fifty years of age.

When Muhammad's wife Khadijah gave to him a slave named Zaid, Muhammad freed the boy and raised him as if he were his own son. The importance of taking homeless children to care for them is well-established in Islam. Given these facts, it is somewhat startling to hear Muslims assert that adoption in prohibited in Islam. The confusion is over the precise definition of the term adoption. We shall seek to clarify the issue here.

Foster Parenting

The Islam form of "adoption" is called kafâla, which literally means sponsorship, but comes from the root word meaning "to feed." It is best translated as "foster parenting." Algerian family law defines the concept thusly: "Kafala, or legal fostering, is the promise to undertake without payment the upkeep, education and protection of a minor, in the same way as a father would do for his son."

If "legal fostering" in Islam requires fulfilling these parental duties "in the same way as a father would do for his son," then how does it differ from legal adoption as understood in the United States? There are three significant differences:

denial or acknowledgement of identity by blood lineage
inheritance
and implications for the possibilities of marriage partners.
I shall discuss these in reverse order.

Possibilities of Marriage Partners

Although the specifics differ in the two cases, both American law and Islamic law use proximity of relation as a criterion for the permissibility of marriage. Under Islamic law and in some American states first cousins may marry, but under neither law could a father marry his daughter.

Under Islamic law a man may not marry his son's ex-wife, but he may marry his adopted son's ex-wife. This fact does not mean that adoption is illegal, it only means that a legal system that imposes a prohibition on marriage to the ex-wife of an adopted son is imposing an additional constraint beyond that imposed by Islamic law. An examination of the relevant Qur'anic verse clearly shows its purpose is to reform the practice of adoption by removing such prohibitions rather than to end the practice:

"Allah has not made … your adopted sons your sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah tells (you) the Truth and He shows the (right) Way. Call them by (the names) of their fathers: that is more just in the sight of Allah but if you know not their father's (names call them) your Brothers in faith or your Maulâs. But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein: (what counts is) the intention of your hearts: and Allah is Oft-Returning Most Merciful. The Prophet is closer to the Believers than their own selves and his wives are their mothers. Blood-relations among each other have closer personal ties in the Decree of Allah than (the Brotherhood of) Believers and Muhajirs: nevertheless do what is just to your closest friends: such is the writing in the Decree (of Allah)."

The wording is very significant here. The text does not ban adoption, but only says that the use of the word "son" with respect to an adoptee is just a phrase and not a blood (or genetic) fact.

Nor should it be inferred that it is prohibiting the use of the word son (in a metaphorical sense), since it should then logically follow that the term brother (explicitly approved in the text) would also have to be prohibited for the same reasons. Our adopted sons are not our genetic sons any more than our brothers in faith are our genetic brothers. The purpose of the verse is clearly to prevent drawing legal restrictions from the metaphorical use of the word "son" in describing a foster relationship.

Thus one might marry the ex-wife of one's foster son (as one might marry the ex-wife of a blood brother), but one can no more marry a daughter than one could marry a sister.

Analogy to blood relations is not the only relevant issue here. Islamic law forbids a man to marry a woman who had been suckled by the same wet nurse as the man, regardless of whether either was adopted by the wet nurse. Here, too, we see that the issue is not adoption, but how social relationships bear on the question of marriageability.

Inheritance

The issue of inheritance may be dealt with briefly. In most American states, an adopted child has the same automatic rights of inheritance as a genetic child. In a few states, as under Islamic law, inheritance is not automatic but needs to be specified in the will. American law recognizes the validity of wills that specify an inheritance distribution based on Islamic law, so this constitutes no objection to adoption by American Muslims.

Identity by Blood Lineage

Finally, we consider the issue of identity by blood lineage. It has been the custom in America to downplay (or even) hide the identity of blood parents in cases of adoption. Recently there has been a welcome trend giving adopted children some rights to discovery in this matter. In this respect American laws are moving in an Islamic direction. The advantages from a medical point of view to such knowledge are obvious, but there are also issues of the subjective importance of knowing one's own identity.

The verses of the Qur'an quoted above makes it clear that identity is defined by blood. Experience shows that openness about the true identity of children need not be an obstacle to love and caring between foster parents and adoptees. This is an especially important issue for American Muslims adopting children from abroad. It is neither necessary nor desirable to deny the cultural heritage of these children.

A Good Example at Home
A Khutbah by Sheikh Abdul Baaree' Ath-Thubaytee

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. May peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and all his companions.

Fellow Muslims, I advise you and myself to fear Allah. Allah says,

"O you who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared, and die not but in a state of Islam."

The God-fearing Muslim family is the heart of a healthy community. The piety of a family is dependant on the piety of individual members of the family, and the piety of a community is likewise dependant on the piety of the families who make up the community.

Islam attaches great importance to the family, how it is established and how to keep it together. For the Muslim family to keep up it's high position it maintains a state of love and harmony, and you find in it feelings of amicability and kindness. Allah says,

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy."

(Ar-Ruum 30: 21)

He also says,

"They are Libas [i.e. body cover, or screen, or Sakan, (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with her)] for you and you are the same for them."

(Al-Baqarah 2: 187)

The Qur'an made it clear to married couples that each of them is essential to the other. Allah says,

"It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and (then) He has created from him his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her."

(Al-A'araaf 7: 189)

It cannot be imagined that one could lead a normal, steadfast human life if there was a complete destruction of the normal family structure. Those people who call for the abolishment of the family structure do not do so for the good of humankind. Their call was - and still is - a discordant sound in the passing of history.

The family is established on mutual understanding, the exchanging of views and cooperation. Allah says in relation to nursing and weaning babies,

"The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, (that is) for those (parents) who desire to complete the term of suckling, but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother's food and clothing on a reasonable basis. No person shall have a burden laid on him greater than he can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child, nor father on account of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no sin on them."

(Al-Baqarah 2: 233)

A happy family which seeks stability and continuity builds its life on firm principles, the most important of which are: the raising of children, mutual respect of each others rights, courteousness in dealing with one another and widening one's family's and one's own horizons. Here, couples can find the pure quietude that the Qur'an spoke about, and if a difference occurs between them then true love will melt it away.

The Most Wise (Allah) knows that a person can sometimes be affected by an atmosphere of disagreement and feelings of hate, and then Satan finds what he is looking for sought after for destruction of the existence of the family. The Qur'anic viewpoint was to purify the emotions and to return to life its clarity and to the family its beauty. Allah says,

"…And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good."

(An-Nisaa 4: 19)

And for this reason Imam Ibn Katheer said about this verse, "It means: and perhaps your patience in holding onto them despite your mutual dislike is much better for you in this world and in the hereafter."

If the members of a family exchange love for stubbornness; this is a bad sign and a defeated beginning; nothing can destroy a family as stubbornness and argument. Small disagreements can be blown out of all proportions and become huge points of stubbornness, and major disagreement. How often do we hear tell of or witness marriages failing though they are but newly wed?

Many researchers have decided that family breakdown is the main cause of juvenile delinquency; therefore the family is responsible for protecting itself from disunity before it experiences breakdown and ceases to function as a family unit. Also one cannot pretend that life is or should always be trouble-free; quite the opposite in fact; a normal healthy life will always have it's ups and downs.

Everything in this world no matter how insignificant has wisdom behind it and serves a purpose, so what is the role of the Muslim family? In a Muslim community, the family plays several important roles, the most important being:

Increasing the Progeny of the Muslim Nation
The Prophet said, "Marriage is one of my traditions, and whoever does not follow my traditions is not one of us. So get married, for that way you will increase the nation (in strength and number)." (Ibn Majah)

Having many children increases the strength of the community, in addition to increasing one's personal status and being well remembered after death. Advocates of birth control do not wish the Muslim community any good, and their weak arguments show that they have been afflicted with pessimism, uncertainty (in the truth of Islam and the Last Day) and mistrust (in Allah's Will).

Teaching and Raising the Muslim Youth

Teaching and raising Muslim youth is a job for the whole family. In fact, the home is the first school in which the child is introduced to the basic tenets of his religion, and this important job should not be left to maids and nurses. The child that nurses from his mother's milk also receives her compassion and affection. Conversely, a child which is cared for and raised by maids will never receive the same love, warmth and affection and nor will they have a correct Islamic upbringing.

The Muslim family is held responsible before Allah for the correct Islamic upbringing of it's children, instilling in them the concept of worship of Allah and following His prescribed way in their lives.

Do our families today fulfil their childrearing and educational responsibilities? Does our method of raising children give them the power to resist westernisation and secularisation? Do members of the family gather together to learn the Qur'an? Or do they gather to watch acts of disobedience to Allah (i.e. on the television etc.)? Do our children find in our homes useful lessons, good examples and good manners?

Any shortcomings or omissions in the family's job of raising its children will have negative effects on the behaviour of the children, and in turn this will have a negative effect on the thoughts, structure and security of the community.

Parents will be asked about the fulfilment of their parental duties. Ibn Umar related that Prophet said, "All of you are guardians and all of you are responsible for your wards. An imam is a guardian, and he is responsible for his wards (among the local community); a man is a guardian in his family and he is responsible for his dependants, a lady is a guardian in her husband's house and she is responsible for her charges (children, property under her control &c.)…" (Bukhari & Muslim)

One responsibility of a parent is to cleanse the house from all vice, to ensure that all members of the family perform all of their religious duties, and to encourage them to perform good and loved deeds.

Teaching Children to Love the Mosque

One of the main goals of the family is to teach its children to love and respect the mosque, and build strong ties between its children and the mosque, for the mosque is an essential part of the life of a Muslim. Instilling love of the mosque is a great and important part of upbringing; deep in effect, and implants in a child respect, good values and manners.

A Muslim family, which is based on faith in Allah, will be able to hold on to Islamic morals and manners, and feel a great attachment to the mosque. It is able, by the light of the Qur'an, to bring into the world children who will become brave heroes, scholars, ascetic slaves (of Allah), sincere leaders, pious men, and worshipful women. Such families fill a glorious page in the books of history.

The Modern Muslim Family

Today the Muslim family faces a grim offensive aimed at shaking its very foundations, by undoing the family ties, spoiling the women's characters, discarding family values, and calling towards nudity, mixing of the sexes and disinhibition. And if the family is destroyed, will there then remain any Muslim nation? And if it does remain it will be marginalized.

In some Muslim countries, the families' hearts have been disunited as a result of the slavish adherence to Western values, drifting blindly behind any vogue that comes out of it; divorce cases have risen, and many youths have turned away from marriage followed by a frantic rush after brutish desires.

The following much-followed trend is a sensitive subject, which touches many of us closely; it has a share in social change in decreasing the role of the family. Satellite dishes have taken over the family's time, had an effect on its progress, and loosened its values; and the family loses - in some cases - some of its influence over the children. These devices (satellite, TV. etc.) compete with the family in controlling the children inside the safety of their own homes by their carefully researched attractiveness, and attack directly and indirectly to destroy their relation with their community, weaken their religion, and diminish their enthusiasm. However, one thing that is very painful to consider, is that some families completely abandon their role in the task of religious and intellectual upbringing, and surrender their children to satellite dishes and such like, that distort young minds and destroy faith unchecked.

Brothers in Islam! Building a family on a sound, rational basis is not an easy task; conversely it is a momentous duty that requires preparation and preparedness. Married life is not all fun and games; rather it is a series of responsibilities and duties, whoever proposes marriage without ability or suitability is ignorant, unaware of the wisdom of Allah's Divine Law, and whomsoever uses marriage for evil purposes, or denies its rights deserves the anger of Allah and His punishment; so one must always behave righteously in this life. Allah says,

"O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones…"

(At-Tahreem 66: 6)

Leadership in the Family

Family life is a life of work. And life has its costs and burdens; so it needs someone to be in charge to direct its actions, and supervise its safety this leadership is called Qiwaamah in the Qur'an and it is the lot of the man. Leadership is not for the purpose of reverence and domination but it is a post of supervision and upbringing. It does not mean denying the wife her own personality and wishes, or preventing her from expressing her opinions or having any say of what goes on in the family.

Allah has prepared the woman for certain jobs, and has prepared the man for certain jobs. They are each suited to their own jobs by reason of the physical and mental differences between them. If women were made to be the protectors and maintainers in place of men the woman would be charged with more than she could handle, and the family would be deviated from its normal course and would face trials and difficulties. There are essential differences between men and women, which enable them to perform the gender-specific tasks which have naturally and traditionally been theirs to perform. If the roles of men and women were reversed, it would harm the family, and ultimately the community at large. Those people who call for the removal of man's natural assertiveness and leadership are fools because that goes against the natural Law of Allah.

Al-Qiwaamah means that the head of the household is responsible for the physical safety of his family, and for their safety from a religious standpoint. He protects them from evil fashions and deviation, and provides the perfect example in the way he abides by the Limits set by Allah, and his exaltation of his religious rites and ceremonies, unashamedly and with the best of character and moral standard. He is like a shepherd that protects his flock. The head of a household is required to strike a balance between his work, his acts of worship and being free for his family; to give each one it's due, e.g. the rights of the wife, bringing up the children etc. If the head of the household is unable to make time to sit by himself or with members of the family to talk to them and listen to them, later on, when it is too late to do so, or is no longer possible, he will regret not having made the time. 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn Al-'Aas said, "The Messenger of Allah said to me, 'I have been told that you fast all day and then stay up all night (in worship) Don't do so; For your body has it's rights on you, and likewise your wife has rights upon you: fast and break your fast; fast three days in each month for that is (as if you were) fasting your whole life.'" (Bukhari & Muslim)

Infertility in the Qur'an

Infertility in the Qur'an

The Qur'an is true guidance for all mankind, complete and lacking nothing. It touches on every aspect of life, infertility is on the vast array of topics. The Qur'an teaches in many ways, showing us a glimpse of the lives of others before us is one way. There are two main stories of infertility which we should draw and learn from. The first story is that of Ibrahim s.a.w. and his wife Sara r.a. There are two main accounts of this story, given as follows.

And his wife was standing (there) and she laughed: But we gave her glad tidings of Isaac and after him, of Jacob. She said "Alas for me! Shall I bear a child, seeing I am an old woman, and my husband here, is an old man? That indeed would be a wonderful thing!" They said: "Dost thou wonder at Allah's decree? The grace of Allah and His blessings on you, O ye people of the house! For He is indeed worthy of all praise, full of Glory!" 11:71-73


...And they (angels) gave him (Ibrahim) glad tidings of a son endowed with knowledge. But his wife came forward clamoring, she smote her forehead and said: "A barren old woman!" They said "Even so has thy Lord spoken and He is full of wisdom and knowledge." 51:28-30

Not much detail is given in the Qur'an concerning the lives of Sara or Hagar. Much of the detail comes to us through the narration of hadith. And Islamic exegesis also rely on Biblical (Old Testament) information about Sara. What we do know from the Qur'an was that Sara was old and barren when Allah blessed her with a child. Exegesis placec her age at about ninety, while Ibrahim was over 100 yrs old. Long before this Sara gave her hand maiden, Hagar, to Ibrahim in marriage so that he may have children. Many women going through infertility can relate to the sense of guilt for "denying" their husbands children. This is a common feeling that is present, as we see with Sarah.

The story goes that after Hagar conceived she became "haughty" in her ability to have children, and Sarah's inability at that point. From this rose a jealousy in Sara in which she threatened to do harm to Hagar. Nothing came of this threat and evidently the waters were calmed in Ibrahim's household. The family continued to remain together until Ibrahim's command to take Hagar and Ishmael to the valley of Mecca and leave them there.

We have reference in the Qur'an of Sara striking her face and laughing in the astonishment of being blessed with a pregnancy at 90 yrs of age. It appears Sarah, naturally, had long since given up hopes of conceiving. She had given Hagar to Ibrahim as a way not to deny him and personally accepting the Qadar (fate) that Allah had set for her. In this we can take a lesson from Sara, at some point we must learn to just accept what has been written for us and go on. All too often couples become obsessed with having a child to where it is harmful for themselves. We as Muslims must learn to seek the balance of a healthy striving for pregnancy and knowing when to stop striving. A woman's (or man's) life does not end because they have no children. Sarah, although barren, remained firm in her faith, true to her husband, and a full woman in all senses of the word.

It was written for Sarah that she would bare a son and live to see her grandchild. It is said she conceived Ishaq on the night when lots of people were destroyed (the angels where on their way there). And she delivered Ishaq on a friday night.

We should also take notice at the example set by Ibrahim responding to his barren wife. He was not harsh to his wife even though she was unable to conceive. Nor did he abandon her, he stood by his wife as she stood by him. He did not seek out another wife or "right hand possession" to have children, it was Sara who suggested Hagar to him. This bond of marriage, faith, love, and tenderness kept this couple together even in infertile times. Working together in cooperation in the process, something we all should take notice of. And men, or cultures for that matter, who blame women for not conceiving and dumb them as if they were no longer a complete woman should take heed in this example set by Ibrahim.

Ibrahim was indeed a model... 16:120

Another Qur'anic example of infertility is that of Zakariya and his wife Ishba. The story focuses more on Zakariya than Ishba herself. In fact very little is said about her in the Qur'an, hadith, and exegesis.

There did Zakariya pray to his Lord, saying: "O my Lord! Grant unto me from Thee a progeny that is pure: for Thou art He that heareth prayer! While he was standing in prayer in the chamber, the angels called unto him: "Allah doth give thee glad tidings of Yahya, witnessing the truth of a Word from Allah, and (be besides) noble, chaste, and a prophet,- of the (goodly) company of the righteous." He said: "O my Lord! How shall I have son, seeing I am very old, and my wife is barren?" "Thus," was the answer, "Doth Allah accomplish what He willeth." 3:38-40

(This is) a recital of the Mercy of thy Lord to His servant Zakariya.Behold! he cried to his Lord in secret, Praying: "O my Lord! infirm indeed are my bones, and the hair of my head doth glisten with grey: but never am I unblest, O my Lord, in my prayer to Thee! 19:2-4

And (remember) Zakariya, when he cried to his Lord: "O my Lord! leave me not without offspring, though thou art the best of inheritors." So We listened to him: and We granted him Yahya: We cured his wife's (Barrenness) for him. These (three)were ever quick in emulation in good works; they used to call on Us with love and reverence, and humble themselves before Us. 21:89-90

Mary r.a. was placed in the care of Zakariya and her aunt Ishba. Ishba was barren, so the caring of a child was a blessing in her family. Zakariya at times marvelling at how well Mary had grown appears to have instilled the urge in him to have a son. One who would not only inherit the family lineage, but one who would carry on the teachings of Allah, something which he did himself. Perhaps Mary r.a. fulfilled the natural urge in Zakariya to have children for a limited time, but when she had matured and no longer a child, the desire seems to have rekindled. Whatever the exact emotions that Zakariya had, he prayed in secret to have a son.

Zakariya beseeched Allah for this blessing, perhaps not expecting the answer, he appears surprised with it. Perhaps it was not so much the answer of "yes" but rather the means in which the child would come to him. His old barren wife, cured by Allah, was to conceive. Zakariya responded in natural amazement that his wife would conceive. He was told by Allah that such a thing was easy for Allah.. and it is. His son would be given the name of Yahya a name not before given. Ishba and Mary were pregnant during the same time, six months being the difference. The issue of Pregnancy in light of Qur'an will be given more attention at a latter date.

As with the story of Ibrahim we have the example of a husband who remains with his barren wife. She is not shunned, shammed, divorced, or looked down upon as a incomplete woman. As many men and cultures do to women in present times. This is a lesson that all of our ummah must learn, as Allah says "...He leaves barren whom He wills" (42:50) It is a decree from Allah. This does not make one less of a woman (or man) and one should not be treated as such. We are to remain firm in our faith in Allah, knowing that He brings about things that we may not like, thinks we are tested with. And it appears with the stigma placed on couples who do not have children we are failing our test.

I know many women are thinking, that these two stories have such happy endings (babies) and yet it does not happen with all of us. Why does not Allah bestow on all of us pregnancies.. why must "I" be barren.. why me. As I sit here and write this my mind searches for an example of a woman with no children.. suddenly I remembered one so full of faith.. one which is mentioned in the Qur'an as an example for those who believe

And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe the wife of Pharaoh: Behold she said: "O my Lord! Build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden, and save me from Pharaoh and his doings, and save me from those that do wrong"; 66:11

Her name was Asya, and she never conceived a child. It is said that her marriage was one of sacrifice she made for the safety of her people. But the marriage was never consumated, for Allah had stricken Pharaoh with impotence. Whatever the case may have been, here was a childless woman, who is set forth as an example for all believers. She nurtured a Prophet from infancy even though he was not her own, and she was a martyr. It is said that Pharoah had killed several believers in the palace, among them a maid, her children and her husband. Asya picked up an iron stake to kill Pharaoh, she failed, and Pharaoh had her tortured by piercing iron stakes through her breast. The same childless woman sought Allah to build mansions in the Garden, and to save her from those that do wrong. Do we dare to say that such an example as stated by Allah is an incomplete or less of a woman because she bore no children? Do we not take heed in the examples given to us? So anytime one attempts to make you feel low, or less of a woman (or man) think of these examples, draw guidance and strength from them. Rely on Allah, and seek Him to give you strength.

May Allah give us All that is good for us, make it easy for us to obtain it and keep us on the straight path when we do.

How to Treat the Family

The Children

It is clear from many verses in the Quran that having children is considered a blessing from Allaah..

Hence, Allaah says while recounting some of his blessings upon humankind:

“Allaah has made for you wives of your own kind, and has made for you, from your wives, sons and


grandsons, and has bestowed on you good provision. Do they then believe in false deities and deny


the Favor of Allaah (by not worshipping Allaah Alone).” (Quran 16:72)

Thus, one finds the prophet Zachariah praying to Allaah that He bestow upon him children (Quran

3:38). In addition, having children is something known to be beloved to parents. Thus, Allaah says:

“Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world...” (Quran 18:46)

At the same time, though, every parent must realize that having children is a great responsibility and

trial from Allaah. Allaah has said:

“Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas Allaah—with Him is a great reward (Paradise).”

(Quran 64:15)

Allaah also says,

“O you who believe, guard yourselves and your families from the Hell‑fire whose fuel is men and


stones…” (Quran 66:6)

The meaning of this verse was reiterated by the Prophet Muhammad, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salaam,

when he said:

“All of you are shepherds and all of you will be asked about your wards... The man is responsible for his household and will be asked about his responsibilities. The wife will be asked about the house of her husband and her responsibilities.”[1]



Islam, therefore, fills the human with appreciation for being blessed with a child while at the same time

realizing that this child is a heavy responsibility. The parents must care for the child and bring the

child up in the best possible manner, trying to protect the child from the Hellfire.

Muslim scholars consider that the rights of children appear long before they are even conceived, via

the selection of a pious and righteous spouse. This is the first step in providing a good household

and environment for the child. Around the time of the child’s birth, there are other important

obligations, such as giving the child a good name and offering an animal sacrifice on the child’s

behalf.[2] Beyond that, the most important rights of the child include:

(1) being maintained and provided for in a healthy manner;

(2) being taught the tenets of the religion;

(3) being treated with compassion and mercy;

(4) being just among multiple siblings; and

(5) having a good example set for them by their parents.

Other Relatives

A family also includes siblings and other kinfolk. Islam has certainly not ignored any of the relatives

of an individual. In numerous places in the Quran, Allaah emphasizes the importance of treating one’s

relatives in a good and kindly fashion. Allaah says, for example:

“Worship Allaah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents, kinsfolk…” (Quran 4:36)

Allaah also speaks about spending on one’s relatives:

“They ask you (O Muhammad) what they should spend. Say: Whatever you spend of good must be for parents and kindred…” (Quran 2:215)

Allaah also says:

“It is not piety that you turn your faces towards east and (or) west (in prayers); but Al-Taqwa (piety) is


(the quality of) the one who believes in Allaah, the Last Day, the Angels, the Book, the Prophets and


gives his wealth, in spite of love for it, to the kinsfolk…” (Quran 2:177)

The Prophet Muhammad was requested:

“Inform me of a deed that will take me closer to Paradise and distance me from the Hell-fire.” He

replied, “Worship Allaah and do not ascribe any partner to Him, establish the prayer, give the zakat and

keep the ties of kinship.”[3]

Keeping the ties of kinship refers to doing good towards them with one’s speech, actions and wealth.

It includes kind words, visits, charity and generosity. It also includes keeping any harm from coming

to them and doing one’s best to bring happiness to them.

The Muslim must understand that keeping the ties of kinship is an obligation and not simply a

meritorious act. In the Quran, Allaah praises those…

“…who join that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they are good to their relatives and do


not sever the bond of kinship), fear their Lord, and dread the terrible reckoning” (Quran 13:21)

The Prophet said:

“The one who cuts off the ties of kinship will not enter Paradise.”[4]

Islam has emphasized every type of familial tie possible. It has provided guidance showing the

importance of the ties with parents, children, spouses and other relatives. It exhorts every Muslim to

fulfill these ties to receive Allaah’s pleasure in return. In addition (although not completely stressed in

this short paper), it has provided laws and strict regulations that allow the individual to realize how

best to keep the proper ties with all of his or her kith and kin.

Footnotes:


[1] Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim.


[2] In this sacrifice, called the aqeeqah, meat is distributed to the poor, one’ family, and friends and


neighbors (IslamReligion).


[3] Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim.


[4] Saheeh Muslim.

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide ... part 2

5. In-laws

The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.

Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.

As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.

In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.

6. Realism

Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.

Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.




7. Making a schedule and establishing rituals

Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.

Some rituals couples can establish may include:

• praying at least one prayer together

• attending a study circle together once a week

• deciding on a weekly menu

• having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
• setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
• setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house

• setting a time to discuss finances and a budget

• making a phone contacting during the day

• deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit  each other's parents

By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate lives.