Celebrating Xmas with your non-muslim Family

Question

As-Salam `alaykum. I am new Muslim and I am living with my Christian family in a non-Muslim society. My family is celebrating Christmas and I want to ask if it is wrong for me to attend their celebration.

Answer

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear questioner, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we earnestly implore Allah to increase your faith and guide you to the straight path.

There is nothing wrong, as far as Islam is concerned, that you share your family’s happiness in Christmas as long as you steer clear of what is prohibited in your religion (such as a table where alcohol or pork is served) and specifically religious rituals.

Responding to the question, Dr. Jamal Badawi, Member of the European Council for Fatwa and Research and the Fiqh Council of North America, states the following:

Participating in the non-religious aspect of Christmas such as family reunion dinner or visitation is OK. Attempts should be made to avoid situations where alcoholic drinks are served on the same table. Kindness to parents and family without compromising one’s beliefs is an Islamic duty.

During socialization and whenever appropriate, one may share one’s thoughts [on religion] with them, preferably in answer to their questions or comments without being too argumentative.

Moreover, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, adds:

You are allowed to partake of their feasts and celebrations so long as you stay away from their specifically religious rituals, and so long as you are clear in your mind that Christmas has nothing to do with the original teaching of Jesus (peace and blessings be upon him).

While remaining steadfast to your beliefs about Jesus, you are allowed to join them in their feasts in order to reciprocate kindness with kindness. By doing so, you may even be helping them remove their misconceptions about Islam being a fanatical religion. So go ahead and participate in their feasts, and let them know the true image of Islam. 

Morals and Good Manners

Question: Are there (good) manners not mentioned in the Qur'aan and the Sunnah? And if so, how can we come to know of them?

The response: He (the Prophet,-- may AAllaah raise his rank and grant him peace) said:

"I have only been sent to complete upright moral character."

[found in Mushan Ahmad (2/381); al-Mustadrak (4280); al-Adab al-Mufrid (273); Shu'ab al-Eeman (7609); Sharh Mushkil al-Aathar (5194); on the authority of Aboo Hurayrah.]

The previous religions that Allaah legislated for HIs servants had also encouraged their followers to have virtuous manners. The people of knowledge mentioned that virtuous manners were sought from the followers of all previous legislations. And it is this perfect legislation that the Prophet (may Allaah raise his rank and grant him peace) came with that brings upright moral character to its completion and good manners to perfection.
Let us look at an example of that.

Qisas (retribution)

The people of knowledge have mentioned the issue of qisas which is when a person commits a crime against another: Is a punishment of the same nature of his crime to be applied to him or not? They have mentioned that this was something inflexible in the legislation of the Jews. They had to apply it, and the victims had no say in the matter (ie, they could not excuse the criminial). Later, it was the opposite for the Christians in their legislation. They were obliged to excuse the criminal in all cases.
Since holding the criminal accountable for his crime is something resolute that prevents recurrences of similar crimes, and since excusing him, on the other hand, is a kind of beautiful and praiseworthy act that can affect the criminal in a positive way, then our legislation has combined them both to make the affair complete, and for Allaah is the praise. The victim is given the right to excuse the criminal or hold him accountable. This way forgiveness is granted in its proper place, and retribution can take place when called for.

UPRIGHT MORAL CHARACTER, a Concise Guide to Attaining Dignified Islaamic Character
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-Uthaymeen

How you became a Father part 2

For the women who deliver their babies by cesearan section, there is not lessening of her work. She may still have labored, and then by the qadar of Allaah, it is needed for her to have her burden eased by surgery. Remember, O Men, that Allaah Ta'Alaa, al Haqq, said that the pregnancy is a burden in three places in His Kitaab.

"IT IS HE WHO HAS CREATED YOU FROM A SINGLE PERSON (Adam), AND (then) HE HAS CREATED FROM HIM HIS WIFE [Hawwaa" (Eve)], IN ORDER THAT HE MIGHT ENJOY THE PLEASURE OF LIVING WITH HER. WHEN HE HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HER, SHE BECAME PREGNANT AND SHE CARRIED IT ABOUT LIGHTLY. THEN WHEN IT BECAME HEAVY, THEY BOTH INVOKED ALLAAH, THEIR LORD (saying): 'IF YOU GIVE US A SAALIH CHILD, WE SHALL INDEED BE AMONG THE GRATEFUL." Al-A'raf, 189.

"AND THOSE OF YOUR WOMEN AS HAVE PASSED THE AGE OF MONTHLY COURSES, FOR THEM THE 'IDDAH (prescribed period), IF YOU HAVE DOUBT (about their periods) IS THREE MONTHS, AND FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NO COURSES. AND FOR THOSE WHO ARE PREGNANT, (whether they are divorced or their husbands are dead), THEIR 'IDDAH IS UNTIL THEY LAY DOWN THEIR BURDEN; AND WHOSOEVER FEARS ALLAAH AND KEEPS HIS DUTY TO HIM, HE WILL MAKE HIS MATTER EASY FOR HIM." At-Talaq, 4.
"LODGE THEM (the divorced women) WHERE YOU DWELL, ACCORDING TO YOUR MEANS, AND DO NOT HARM THEM SO AS TO STRAITEN THEM (that they be obliged to leave your house). AND IF THEY ARE PREGNANT, THEN SPEND ON THEM TILL THEY LAY DOWN THEIR BURDEN. THEN IF THEY GIVE SUCK TO THE CHILDREN FOR YOU, GIVE THEM THEIR DUE PAYMENT, AND LET EACH OF YOU ACCEPT THE ADVICE OF THE OTHER IN A JUST WAY. BUT IF YOU MAKE DIFFICULTIES FOR ONE ANOTHER, THEN SOME OTHER WOMAN MAY GIVE SUCK FOR HIM (the father of the child)." At-Talaq, 6.

Allaah is al Khaliq, the Creator. He Knows best what He has decreed for His creation to have as their tests, trials, and rewards in this life. He has said that it is a burden, and while it may be a joyful one, that does not diminish the toils that a woman's body undergoes. We do not say this that you feel pity, or that you give thanks that you are not a woman. We say this that you think on the ability of your Lord, and that you have compassion and mercy for the woman who is under your authority, by the words of Allaah. The one who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy. O Husbands, be merciful to your wives! O Wives, be merciful to your husbands for their ignorance! O Believers, be merciful to each other, and fear the Day when no soul will benefit another, except for what has gone before!

Allaah has taught to His slaves, Believing and otherwise, that which benefits them. A cesearean delivery can benefit the woman and the baby greatly, but make no mistake, it is major abdominal surgery! A woman who has active genital herpes will be delivered of her child by surgery, as the herpes exposure during a vaginal birth infects the entire body of the baby, and the baby frequently dies. In the West, babies that are not in the "head first" position are delivered by c-section also, as it has been deemed safer; babies have become stuck or strangled when delivered vaginally, and the West has ceased to try delivering them naturally. We (the author) do not know what the practice is elsewhere in the world, but the danger of delivering babies who are breech, which is when the baby lies in such a position that one or both feet are the first to emerge from the mother, this is very real. Again, women do die in childbirth. Babies do die in childbirth.

 O Husbands! Show kindness and mercy to your wives, support them, not just with your words, during this time when she, at least, is more conscious of trusting in Allaah and relying upon Him Alone,And in Allaah let those who trust place their trust.

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How you became a Father

The womb of a woman who is not pregnant, has never been pregnant, is about the size of a lemon. The one who has been pregnant in the past, her womb is a bit bigger, but still, think of this, O People. This organ, it has never been duplicated by man with all of the scientific knowledge concerning it, knowledge that was given by Allaah Ta'Alaa, who Knows better what He has created and fashioned. During the course of a pregnancy, that lemon-sized organ grows large enough to hold one, two, or sometimes more babies weighing five or more pounds, plus the placenta, aka "afterbirth" and the fluid that the baby or babies float in, swallows, pees, and is somewhat cushioned by. It is the safe place that Allaah has let us all have, it is warm, and through it some faint light can be seen (!) and sounds heard. And then the child is born, having remained in that safe and secure place for as long as Allaah decrees, wa subhana Allaah wa bihamdihi.

A woman's breasts grow also, to varying degrees. It is from Allaah's Mercy and Knowledge and Ability that they produce milk, milk specific for that pregnancy, that child. A woman who gives birth prematurely, may Allaah protect us all, the makeup of the milk that can be expressed has the fats, carbohydrates, proteins, needed for that level of development. The milk of a more advanced pregnancy has the fats, proteins, and carbohydrates needed for that level of development. This is only from Allaah! So much is transmitted in mother's milk that five sucklings by a baby before it is weaned is sufficient to make that baby one's child, prohibiting marriage and permitting familiarity the same as if the child had come from the woman's body.

During pregnancy, the mother feels the kicks, the punches, the stretches, the tumbles of her unborn child. Think of this, O men: your wife is never alone, her meals are altered as she wants more of some things and less of others, she considers everything that she eats and drinks in relation to how it will help or harm her little person, a person whose face she has never seen, whose voice she has never heard, whom she hopes will be a blessing for you both. She learns the person's personality; this one will not let her eat meat without becoming nauseous, that one will not let her sleep uninterrupted as the soccer match starts just around bedtime, and every week, this little person is getting heavier, bigger, stronger, bidhnillaah, and while becoming more dear to you both, she also sees her body changing, and you changing as well as things progress. Are you more helpful, keeping in mind that this is "weakness bearing weakness"? Or do you expect everything to be kept as clean and fresh as it was before another human being began to take from her strength, her attentions?

And then she gives birth! Whether vaginally or by cesearean section, this involves much effort on her part. If she gives birth vaginally, she has severe muscle cramps, which is what contractions are, up to every three minutes, lasting for a minute each time. Have you ever had a muscle spasm? Imagine one coming that often! Just when she catches her breath, and is not thinking about the pains, when she is trying to remember Allaah, calling on her Lord with sincerity, just when that muscle spasm has died down, only a few minutes later it comes again. This can last FOR HOURS. The average woman having her first child is in labor for up to 24 hours. Could you stay awake that long, undergoing such always increasing pains? There are men who will not hold the hand of the women that they are married to at such times, who will not rub her aching back, speak soft words of comfort. They say that this is a woman's job, not just the nurse, who is probably a woman, but the job of Woman. While this is true, is it not the job of Man to comfort and to protect, to show that love and mercy are not suspended while she comes so close to death? Make no mistake. Women do die in childbirth. It is not a thing from the past. It is only Allaah who brings the women through this time, and some He takes as martyrs.

Do you remember the first time that you held your child in your arms? While you thought of how small, how precious-- and you were right -- that little person changed your wife's body and mind forever. Not to be overly graphic, but have you remembered or even thought about how much effort it would take for muscles that cannot be exercised to push out five or more pounds of human being? Think about defecating something the size of a grapefruit, which is the approximate size of a full term newborn's head. When you stop wincing, then remember that arms and legs came also, with varying degrees of rapidity and ease, with someone's hands guiding, touching a very very sensitive area. Women sometimes tear in that area and other places as the head comes out, sometimes, the midwife or obstetrican has to make a cut so that there is sufficient room for the head to emerge without damaging other areas.

So. After all of this, you are, by the mercy of Allaah, a father. Your wife and your child. Your family grows. Your trust from Allaah has increased. Allaah bless all of you.

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Extravagance or Stinginess?

Married life between extravagance and stinginess The following are phrases often heard from one spouse about the other: “My husband is stingy”; “My husband does not buy me my necessities”; “My husband gives money to his family and does not give me anything”; “My wife exaggerates in her spending”; “My wife does not care about saving, nor does she care how hard I work”; “My wife asks for too many things,” and so on.

It is difficult to find a household without such problems; the husband accuses the wife of exaggerating in her expenditure and she accuses him of being miserly; this leads to fights and disturbs married life, and could, in some cases, lead to divorce and the complete destruction of the family structure.

This problem, in all cases, occurs due to the lack of understanding of the rights that each spouse has upon the other. One of the greatest rights of the wife upon her husband is that he provides for her, and his spending and providing for her is considered Islamically to be one of the best ways that he could spend in charity; this includes food, drink, clothing, housing and anything else a wife might need to maintain her strength and live a normal life.

Allaah informs us that it is the duty of men to provide for their wives, and this is one of the reasons men were made superior to women, as Allaah Says (what means): “Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allaah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth…” [Quran 4: 34]

There are many evidences from the Quran, the Sunnah and the consensus of the Muslim scholars proving that it is mandatory upon a man to provide for his wife. In the Quran, Allaah Says (what means): “…And upon the father is their [i.e. the mothers’] provision and their clothing according to what is acceptable. No person is charged with more than his capacity…” [Quran 2: 233]

There are many narrations in the Sunnah proving the obligation upon the man to provide for his wife, children and anyone else who lives under his guardianship, such as:

• Jaabir Ibn ‘Abdullaah, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam said in his Farewell Pilgrimage: “Fear Allaah and treat women kindly - they are like captives in your hands. You have been entrusted with them and are able to enjoy them based on the contract you have conducted. Their right upon you is that you should treat them well in the matter of food and clothing.” [Muslim]

• `Amr Ibn Al-Ahwas Al-Jushami, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that he had heard the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam saying on his Farewell Pilgrimage, after praising and glorifying Allaah and admonishing the people: “Fear Allaah and treat women kindly - they are like captives in your hands. If they become rebellious in their behaviour, then do not share their beds and beat them lightly; but if they return to obedience then you do not have recourse to anything else against them. You have rights over your wives and they have their rights over you. Your right is that they shall not permit anyone you dislike to enter your home, and their right is that you should treat them well in the matter of food and clothing.” [At-Tirmithi]

• Mu`aawiyah Ibn Haydah, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported: “I asked the Messenger of Allaah sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, "What right can any wife demand of her husband?'' He sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam replied: “Give her food when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, do not strike her on the face, and do not revile her or separate from her except within the house.” [Abu Daawood] Imaam Al-Khattaabi, may Allaah have mercy upon, him said: “This proves the obligation of spending on wives and providing clothing for them, but it should be in accordance to the ability of the husband. The Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam made this mandatory whether the husband is present or travelling, and if he is unable to, then it remains a debt on him which he must repay whenever he returns.”

• Wahb, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said: “One of the servants of ‘Abdullaah Ibn ‘Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, said to him (i.e., to Ibn ‘Umar): `I plan to stay here in Jerusalem for a month.` So Ibn 'Umar enquired: `Did you leave enough to sustain your family during your absence?` He replied: `No`, so Ibn ‘Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, said: `Go back and give them what will suffice them during your absence because I heard the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam say: “Neglecting one's own dependents is reason enough for a man to be committing a sin." [Abu Daawood] In the narration of this story found in the book of Imaam Muslim, may Allaah have mercy upon him, the Messenger of Allaah sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam said: “It is enough sin for a person to hold back the due of one whose provision is in his hand.”

• Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, said: “I heard the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam say: “It is far better for you to take your rope, go to the mountains, (cut some firewood), carry it on your back, sell it and thereby save your face (from shame) than beg from people, regardless of whether they give to you or refuse you. The upper hand is better than the lower one (i.e., the spending hand is better than the receiving hand); and begin (charity) with those who are under your care.” It was asked: `Who are those that are under my care?' He sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam replied: “Your wife and those (others) under your guardianship.” [Muslim]

Imaam Ibn Qudaamah, Imaam Ibn Al-Munthir and others, may Allaah have mercy upon them, have said: “It is the consensus of the Muslim scholars that spending on the wife is mandatory upon the husband, unless the wife is disobedient.”

The abovementioned texts prove that it is mandatory for one to provide for his family and household and care for them. There are many prophetic narrations indicating the virtue of spending and providing for one's family and household, such as the narration of Abu Moosaa Al-Ansaari, may Allaah be pleased with him, who reported that the Messenger of Allaah sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam said: “Whenever one spends something in charity on his family, sincerely for the sake of Allaah, he will be rewarded for it” [Al-Bukhaari]

Imaam Ibn Hajr, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said: “Providing for and spending on one's family is mandatory even though it is referred to as charity in the texts; the reason for it being referred to as charity is so that people will not mistakenly think that they will not attain reward for spending in such a way. Allaah clarified this so that people will not spend in charity externally until they have sufficed their own household and encouraged them by calling it charity.”

Sa`d Ibn Maalik, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that Messenger of Allaah sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam said to him: “You will not spend anything in charity for the sake of Allaah except that you will be rewarded for it; even the morsel of food which you feed your wife.” [Al-Bukhaari & Muslim]
Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported: “The Messenger of Allaah sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam said: "(of the following types of expenditure): A Deenaar (i.e., a gold unit of currency) which you spend in Allaah's way, or to free a slave, or as a charity you give to a needy person, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spend on your family." [Muslim
]
Ka’b Ibn ‘Ajrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrated: “The Prophet sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam once passed by a group of his Companions and saw one of them working hard while the rest of them were saying: `It would have been rewarding if this hard work was exerted for the sake of Allaah.' So the Prophet sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam remarked: “If he has gone out of his house striving to provide for his young children, then it is considered as for the sake of Allaah; and if he has gone out striving to provide for his old parents, then it is considered as for the sake of Allaah; and if he has gone out striving in order to suffice himself from having to ask others for money, then it is considered as for the sake of Allaah; but if he has gone out (for the sake of) boasting and showing off to others, then it is considered as (going out) for the sake of Satan.” [At-Tabaraani]

Our righteous Salaf, may Allaah have mercy upon them, understood this obligation very well and it reflected in their statements, such as the saying of the devout Imaam ‘Abdullaah Ibn Al-Mubaarak, may Allaah have mercy upon him, when he said: “Nothing can equal this in other forms of spending - even spending in Jihaad for the sake of Allaah.”

On the other hand, the wife has to realise that her husband is only obliged to spend according to his ability and financial condition, as Allaah Says (what means): “Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth, and he whose provision is restricted — let him spend from what Allaah has given him. Allaah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it. Allaah will bring about, after hardship, ease [i.e. relief].” [Quran 65: 7]

Therefore, she has no right to overburden her husband with difficult demands, because this contradicts the kindness that spouses should have with each other. Additionally, Allaah warns us against excessive spending, saying (what means): “Indeed, the wasteful are brothers of the devils, and ever has Satan been to his Lord ungrateful.” [Quran 17: 27]

The wife should take into consideration the financial condition of her husband and be conservative in her spending and demands; she should sacrifice certain requests lest she might cause her husband emotional anguish.

Conversely, the husband should not be stingy if Allaah provides him with wealth; he should not deprive his wife of what other women of her social status have of adornment, clothing and so forth, according to his ability; he should also never remind her of what he is doing for her. The husband should also know that financial inability can be made up for by kind words to the wife. When Allaah mentioned kindness to kinfolks, He highlighted how those who do not have financial ability should behave and speak, saying (what means): “And if you [must] turn away from them [i.e. the needy] awaiting mercy from your Lord which you expect, then speak to them a gentle word.” [Quran 17: 28]

Imaam Ibn Katheer, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said, commenting upon this verse: “Meaning, when one's relatives or others whom he is commanded to support ask for help while one has nothing to give them, then he should promise them while being kind and gentle in tone that when Allaah provides for him, he will give to them.”

Finally, both spouses should remember that kind words and good manners make the other forget the hardships and tight financial situation they are in, and help them endure patiently

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relationships

The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations. Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. 

Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective. 

Have Taqwa and be Kind to Relatives

The Command to have Taqwa, a Reminder about Creation, and Being Kind to RelativesAllah commands His creatures to have Taqwa of Him by worshipping Him Alone without partners. He also reminds to them of His ability, in that He created them all from a single person, Adam, peace be unto him.

[وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا]

(And from him He created his wife) Hawwa' (Eve), who was created from Adam's left rib, from his back while he was sleeping. When Adam woke up and saw Hawwa', he liked her and had affection for her, and she felt the same toward him. An authentic Hadith states,

«إِنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ خُلِقَتْ مِنْنِضلَعٍ، وَإِنَّ أَعْوَجَ شَيْءٍ فِي الضِّلَعِ أَعْلَاهُ، فَإِنْ ذَهَبْتَ تُقِيمُهُ كَسَرْتَهُ، وَإِنِ اسْتَمْتَعْتَ بِهَا اسْتَمْتَعْتَ بِهَا وَفِيهَا عِوَج»

(Woman was created from a rib. Verily, the most curved portion of the rib is its upper part, so, if you should try to straighten it, you will break it, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked.) Allah's statement,

[وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالاً كَثِيراً وَنِسَآءً]

(And from them both He created many men and women;) means, Allah created from Adam and Hawwa' many men and women and distributed them throughout the world in various shapes, characteristics, colors and languages. In the end, their gathering and return will be to Allah. Allah then said,

[وَاتَّقُواْ اللَّهَ الَّذِى تَسَآءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالاٌّرْحَامَ]

(And have Taqwa of Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights) and revere the wombs), protect yourself from Allah by your acts of obedience to Him. Allah's statement,

[الَّذِى تَسَآءَلُونَ بِهِ]

(through Whom you demand your mutual (rights)), is in reference to when some people say, "I ask you by Allah, and then by the relation of the Rahim (the womb, i.e. my relationship to you)'', according to Ibrahim, Mujahid and Al-Hasan. Ad-Dahhak said; "Fear Allah Whom you invoke when you conduct transactions and contracts.'' "And revere the womb by not cutting the relations of the womb, but keep and honor them, as Ibn `Abbas, `Ikrimah, Mujahid, Al-Hasan, Ad-Dahhak, Ar-Rabi`, and others have stated. Allah's statement,

[إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيباً]

(Surely, Allah is always watching over you.) means, He watches all your deeds and sees your every circumstance. In another Ayah, Allah said;

[وَاللَّهُ عَلَى كُلِّ شَىْءٍ شَهِيدٌ]

(And Allah is Witness over all things.) [58:6]. An authentic Hadith states,

«اعْبُدِاللهَ كَأَنَّكَ تَرَاهُ، فَإِنْ لَمْ تَكُنْ تَرَاهُ،فَإِنَّهُ يَرَاك»

(Worship Allah as if you see Him, for even though you cannot see Him, He sees you.) This part of the Ayah encourages having a sense of certainty that Allah is always watching, in a complete and perfect manner. Allah mentioned that He has created mankind from a single father and a single mother, so that they feel compassion for each other and are kind to the weaker among them. In his Sahih, Muslim recorded that Jarir bin `Abdullah Al-Bajali said that a delegation from Mudar came to the Messenger of Allah , and he saw their state, wearing striped woolen clothes due to poverty. After the Zuhr prayer, the Messenger of Allah stood up and gave a speech in which he recited,

[يَـأَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُواْ رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَحِدَةٍ]

(O mankind! Have Taqwa of your Lord, Who created you from a single person,) until the end of the Ayah. He also recited,

[يأَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ اتَّقُواْ اللَّهَ وَلْتَنظُرْ نَفْسٌ مَّا قَدَّمَتْ لِغَدٍ]

(O you who believe! Have Taqwa of Allah. And let every person look to what he has sent forth for the tomorrow) [59:18]. He also encouraged them to give charity, saying,

«تَصَدَّقَ رَجُلٌ مِنْ دِينَارِهِ، مِنْ دِرْهَمِهِ، مِنْ صَاعِ بُرِّهِ، مِنْ صَاعِ تَمْرِه»

(A man gave Sadaqah from his Dinar, from his Dirham, from his Sa` of wheat, from his Sa` of dates) until the end of the Hadith. This narration was also collected by Ahmad and the Sunan compilers from Ibn Mas`ud.

[وَءَاتُواْ الْيَتَـمَى أَمْوَلَهُمْ وَلاَ تَتَبَدَّلُواْ الْخَبِيثَ بِالطَّيِّبِ وَلاَ تَأْكُلُواْ أَمْوَلَهُمْ إِلَى أَمْوَلِكُمْ إِنَّهُ كَانَ حُوباً كَبِيراً - وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلاَّ تُقْسِطُواْ فِى الْيَتَـمَى فَانكِحُواْ مَا طَابَ لَكُمْ مِّنَ النِّسَآءِ مَثْنَى وَثُلَـثَ وَرُبَاعَ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلاَّ تَعْدِلُواْ فَوَحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَـنُكُمْ ذلِكَ أَدْنَى أَلاَّ تَعُولُواْ - وَءَاتُواْ النِّسَآءَ صَدُقَـتِهِنَّ نِحْلَةً فَإِن طِبْنَ لَكُمْ عَن شَىْءٍ مِّنْهُ نَفْساً فَكُلُوهُ هَنِيئاً مَّرِيئاً ]

(2. And give unto orphans their property and do not exchange (your) bad things for (their) good ones; and devour not their substance (by adding it) to your substance. Surely, this is a great sin.) (3. And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the servants) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from Ta`ulu.) (4. And give to the women (whom you marry) their Saduqat (or dowry) Nihlah (with a good heart), but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm.)

The 'Others'

In Islam, considering the well-being of the “other” instead of just the “self” is a virtue so rooted in the religion that it is evident even to those outside it. The British humanitarian and civil rights lawyer, Clive Stafford-Smith, a non-Muslim, stated: “What I like about Islam is its focus on the group, which is opposite to the West’s focus on individuality.”[1]

Individuals comprising any society are tied together by related group bonds. The strongest of all societal bonds is that of the family. And while it can be justifiably argued that the basic family unit is the foundation of any given human society, this holds particularly true for Muslims. As a matter of fact, the great status that Islam affords to the family system is the very thing that so often attracts many new converts to Islam, particularly women.

“With laws for almost every aspect of life, Islam represents a faith-based order that women may see as crucial to creating healthy families and communities, and correcting the damage done by the popular secular humanism of the past thirty or so years, several experts said. In addition, women from broken homes may be especially attracted to the religion because of the value it places on family, said Marcia Hermansen, a professor of Islamic studies at Loyola University in Chicago and an American who also converted to Islam.”[2]

Nowhere is this trend of a people who value traditional family values as they embrace Islam more prevalent than in North America’s Latino or Hispanic community. As one of Florida’s Muslims observed: “I have seen an increasing rate in Hispanics converting to Islam. I think the Hispanic culture itself is very rich in terms of family values, and that is something that is very prominent in the religion of Islam.”

So, what are the particular values or traits of Islamic family life that so many are finding so appealing?

At a Columbia University Islamic event, Hernan Guadalupe, an Ecuadorian-American: “spoke of the cultural similarities and family values inherent to Hispanics and Muslims. Typically, Hispanic households are tight knit and devout, and children are reared in a strict environment - traits that mirror Muslim households.”[3]

And in another recent newspaper report, it was also observed how: “Family values play an integral role in the formation of a Muslim community. Because of those family values, there are a lot of other norms that are consistent within the Hispanic community and Islam; for instance, respect for elders, married life and rearing children, these are some of the traditions Hispanics have in common with Islam.”[4]

Some ordinary American converts also have had a say about real life experience, and some of these are collected in a book by the mother of such a convert; Daughters of Another Path by Carol L. Anway. One woman, quoted in the book[5], spoke about her change in attitude towards marriage and family life after converting to Islam. “I became cleaner and quieter the further I went into the religion. I became highly disciplined. I had not intended to marry before I was a Muslim, yet I quickly became a wife and then a mother. Islam has provided a framework that has allowed me to express belief, such as modesty, kindness and love, that I already had. It has also led me to happiness through marriage and the birth of two children. Before Islam I had had no desire to have my own family since I hated (the thought of having) kids.”

Another woman speaks of her acceptance into the extended family in the same book. “We were met at the airport by a lot of his family, and it was a very touching moment, one I will never forget. Mama (her mother-in-law) is like an angel… I have spent a lot of time in with tears, because of what I see here. The family system is quite unique with closeness that is beyond words.”[6]

In Appendix C of the book, a 35 year old American convert, at that time 14 years a Muslim, wrote about the family of her husband and their values relative to her own American values. “I have met all the members of my husband’s immediate family and some members of his immense extended family… I have learned a great deal from my in-laws. They have a wonderful way of relating to their children, a way that engenders respect for others and great amounts of self esteem. It is interesting to see how a child-orientated and religious orientated culture operates. My in-laws, by virtue of being a contrast to American culture, have given me a great appreciation for certain elements of my American cultural identity… I have seen that Islam is truly correct in saying that moderation is the right path.”[7]

From these quotations, one from a non-Muslim intellectual, others from converts and reporters, and some from quite ordinary American women who embraced Islam, we can see that family values in Islam are one of its major attractions. These values stem from God and His guidance, through the Quran and the example and teaching of His Messenger, Muhammad, may the mercy and blessings of God be upon him, who indicates the family unit as being one of the mainstays of religion and Islamic the way of life. The importance of forming a family is underscored by a saying of the holy Prophet himself, who said:

“When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear God regarding the remaining half.”[8] (al-Baihaqi)

The two articles that follow will discuss the family in Islam in the light of the Quran and Prophetic teachings. Through briefly exploring Islam’s take on the themes of married life, respect for parents and elders, and the rearing of children, we can begin to appreciate the benefits of the family in Islam.

Footnotes:

[1] Emel Magazine, Issue 6 - June/July 2004.

[2] “Islam’s Female Converts”; Priya Malhotra, February 16, 2002. (see http://thetruereligion.org/modules/xfsection/article.php?articleid=167).

[3] “Some Latinos convert to Islam”; Marcela Rojas, The Journal News (http://www.thejournalnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=%2F20051030%2FNEWS02%2F510300319%2F1028%2FNEWS12)

[4] “Islam Gains Hispanic Converts”; Lisa Bolivar, Special Correspondent, September 30, 2005 (http://thetruereligion.org/modules/xfsection/article.php?articleid=405)

[5] Daughters of Another Path, 4th printing, Al-Attique Publishers, p.81.

[6] Daughters of Another Path, p.126.

[7] Daughters of Another Path, p.191.

[8] A narration from the Prophet, by Anas b. Malik, his personal servant; collected in and commented on by Imam al-Baihaqi in Shu’ab al-Iman (Branches of Faith).

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PERFECT MUSLIM FAMILY

A married couple should always encourage each other to worship Allah and act according to the Holy Quran and the Sunnah. Abu Huraira related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, said: “May Allah have mercy on a man rises at night to pray and wakes up his wife and they pray two rakats together, Allah will write them amongst the people who remember Allah much.” (Abu Daud)

A husband and wife are from different families and may also be from different cultures. They must accept their differences with patience and kindness. If there is something which they dislike they should hide their feelings and avoid offending each other. The best way to act is to treat your partner as you would like them to treat you.

A couple should begin their marriage by making the intention to protect each others rights according to the Shariah, to make their family an asset to the Muslim community and to bring up their children as good Muslims.

This modern society with its powerful media, uncensored entertainment and uncontrolled immorality holds many dangers for our children. It is very important to maintain Islamic standards at home, and provide a Muslim environment and a good example for our children. May Allah protect us and our wives and our children and guide us on the Straight Path. Ameen.

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Advice to Husbands and Wives

Advice to Husbands:-

Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God."
[Mishkat]

Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest to their families."
[Tirmidhi]

Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]

Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]

Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'"
[Bukhari]

Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The woman is like a rib; if you try to straighten her, she will break. So if you want to get benefit from her, do so while she still has some bent.'"
[Bukhari]

Advice to Wives:-

Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes (in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]

Um Salama reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise."
[Tirmidhi]

Abu Huraira told that when God's messenger was asked which woman was best, he replied, "The one who fills [her husband] with joy when he sees her, obeys him when he directs and does not oppose him by displeasing him regarding her person or property."
[Mishkat]

God please safe us from the shadow of Shaitan, who created a fitna misunderstanding between husbands and wives..........Ameen

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A Mothers Advice to her Daughter

Abd al-Malik (Radiyallaahu 'anhaa) said: "When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, as she was made ready to be taken to the groom, her mother, Umamah came into her room to advise her and said:

• "O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

• "O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father's wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

• "O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

• "Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you:

• "The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one's husband pleases Allah.

• "The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

• "The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

• "The seventh and eight of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

• "The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

• "Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy

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Marriage: Lack of Faith or Lack of Focus?

The Holy Prophet (SAW) has said, "A person who does not marry on account of his poor financial condition does not have faith and confidence in Allah."

Rasul'ullah (SAW) said, "...A person who will marry for the sake of wealth and beauty will ultimately be deprived of both, and he who will marry for the sake of piety and faith will be blessed with wealth and beauty from Allah."

To wives, Rasul'ullah (SAW) said, "Invite your husbands to do good before they persuade you to do wrong deeds."

To husbands, Rasul'ullah (SAW) said, "You men must make yourselves tidy and be prepared for your wives, as you would like them (your women) to be prepared for you."

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The Muslim family is the heart of a healthy community

The God-fearing Muslim family is the heart of a healthy community. The piety of a family is dependant on the piety of individual members of the family, and the piety of a community is likewise dependant on the piety of the families who make up the community.

Islam attaches great importance to the family, how it is established and how to keep it together. For the Muslim family to keep up it’s high position it maintains a state of love and harmony, and you find in it feelings of amicability and kindness. Allah says,

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.” (Ar-Rum 30: 21)

He also says,

“They are Libas [i.e. body cover, or screen, or Sakan, (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with her)] for you and you are the same for them.”
(Al-Baqarah 2: 187)

The Qur’an made it clear to married couples that each of them is essential to the other. Allah says,

“It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and (then) He has created from him his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her.” (Al-A’araaf 7: 189)

It cannot be imagined that one could lead a normal, steadfast human life if there was a complete destruction of the normal family structure. Those people who call for the abolishment of the family structure do not do so for the good of humankind. Their call was – and still is - a discordant sound in the passing of history.

The family is established on mutual understanding, the exchanging of views and cooperation. Allah says in relation to nursing and weaning babies,

“The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, (that is) for those (parents) who desire to complete the term of suckling, but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis. No person shall have a burden laid on him greater than he can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child, nor father on account of his child. And on the (father’s) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no sin on them.” (Al-Baqarah 2: 233)

A happy family which seeks stability and continuity builds its life on firm principles, the most important of which are: the raising of children, mutual respect of each others rights, courteousness in dealing with one another and widening one’s family’s and one’s own horizons. Here, couples can find the pure quietude that the Qur’an spoke about, and if a difference occurs between them then true love will melt it away.

The Wise (Allah) know that a person can sometimes be affected by an atmosphere of disagreement and feelings of hate, and then Satan finds what he is looking for sought after for destruction of the existence of the family. The Qur’anic viewpoint was to purify the emotions and to return to life its clarity and to the family its beauty. Allah says,

“…And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good.” (An-Nisaa 4: 19)

And for this reason Imam Ibn Katheer said about this verse,

“It means: and perhaps your patience in holding onto them despite your mutual dislike is much better for you in this world and in the hereafter.”

If the members of a family exchange love for stubbornness; and this is a bad sign and a defeated beginning; nothing can destroy a family as stubbornness and argument. Small disagreements can be blown out of all proportions and become huge points of stubbornness, and major disagreement. How often do we hear tell of or witness marriages failing though they are but newly wed?

Many researchers have decided that family breakdown is the main cause of juvenile delinquency; therefore the family is responsible for protecting itself from disunity before it experiences breakdown and ceases to function as a family unit. Also one cannot pretend that life is or should always be trouble-free; quite the opposite in fact; a normal healthy life will always have it’s ups and downs.

Everything in this world no matter how insignificant has a wisdom behind it and serves a purpose, so what is the role of the Muslim family?
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Building a Family

Building a family on a sound, rational basis is not an easy task, conversely it is a momentous duty that requires preparation and preparedness. Married life is not all fun and games; rather it is a series of responsibilities and duties, whoever proposes marriage without ability or suitability is ignorant, unaware of the wisdom of Allah’s Divine Law, and whomsoever uses marriage for evil purposes, or denies its rights deserves the anger of Allah and His punishment; so one must always behave righteously in this life. Allah says,




“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones…” (At-Tahreem 66: 6)



Family life is a life of work. And life has its costs and burdens; so it needs someone to be in charge to direct it’s actions, and supervise its safety this leadership is called Qiwaamah in the Qur’an and it is the lot of the man. Leadership is not for the purpose of reverence and domination but it is a post of supervision and upbringing. It does not mean denying the wife her own personality and wishes, or preventing her from expressing her opinions or having any say of what goes on in the family.



Allah has prepared the woman for certain jobs, and has prepared the man for certain jobs. They are each suited to their own jobs by reason of the physical and mental differences between them. If women were made to be the protectors and maintainers in place of men the woman would be charged with more than she could handle, and the family would be deviated from its normal course and would face trials and difficulties. There are essential differences between men and women which enable them to perform the gender-specific tasks which have naturally and traditionally been theirs to perform. If the roles of men and women were reversed, it would harm the family, and ultimately the community at large. Those people who call for the removal of man’s natural assertiveness and leadership are fools because that goes against the natural Law of Allah.



Al-Qiwaamah means that the head of the household is responsible for the physical safety of his family, and for their safety from a religious standpoint. He protects them from evil fashions and deviation, and provides the perfect example in the way he abides by the Limits set by Allah, and his exaltation of his religious rites and ceremonies, unashamedly and with the best of character and moral standard. He is like a shepherd that protects his flock.



The head of a household is required to strike a balance between his work, his acts of worship and being free for his family; to give each one it’s due, e.g. the rights of the wife, bringing up the children etc. If the head of the household is unable to make time to sit by himself or with members of the family to talk to them and listen to them, later on, when it is too late to do so, or is no longer possible, he will regret not having made the time.



‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr ibn Al-‘Aas said,



“The Messenger of Allah said to me, ‘I have been told that you fast all day and then stay up all night (in worship) Don’t do so; For your body has it’s rights on you, and likewise your wife has rights upon you: fast and break your fast; fast three days in each month for that is (as if you were) fasting your whole life.’” (Bukhari & Muslim)
 
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mistakes during arguments!

‎5 Killer Mistakes that Husbands and Wives Commit During an Argument or a Dispute:


1) hiding one's intention and feelings

2) inviting others to take part in the dispute

3) rushing to the courthouse

4) destroying others person's confidence and sense of self-dignity

...5) fighting in front of the children
 
(Inshallah you shouldnt be arguing in the first place!)

husband? or mother in law?

QUESTION:


Who has the right to be obeyed: the husband or his mother? What if the mother gives some instructions and the husband gives different instructions -- who is to be obeyed? Especially if the husband and his wife are living in his father's house? What if the parents tell their son to tell his wife that she should do something, and the husband objects to that? Is she in turn obliged to listen to what her in-laws tell her, against the objections of her husband?.

ANSWER:

Praise be to Allaah.

Many shar‘i texts indicate that a woman’s obedience to her husband takes precedence over her obedience to any other person, even her own parents, so how about people other than them?

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said: When a woman gets married, her husband has more authority over her and her parents, and obedience to her husband is more obligatory for her.

And he said: She does not have the right to go out of his house except with his permission, whether her father or her mother or someone tells her to do that, according to the consensus of the imams. End quote. Majmoo‘ al-Fataawa, 32/361

So the husband's father and mother do not have any authority over the wife and she is not obliged to obey them in what they tell her to do, whether the husband approves of that or not. The most that can be said concerning this matter is that she should respond to the wishes of her husband's father and mother as much as is required to be kind and maintain a good relationship, within the scope of her ability, but only in that which will not conflict with obedience to her husband.


The scholars of the Standing Committee said: There is nothing in Islam to indicate that the wife is obliged to help the husband's mother, except within the bounds of kind treatment and as much as she is able, out of kindness towards her husband and out of respect to her duties towards her husband.


Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 19/264, 265

In that case, the role of the wise and smart husband is to help his wife to avoid conflict with his family or confrontations with them; he should take matters into his own hands from the outset and try to be kind when reconciling between them and prevent division between them.

If it is possible to have separate accommodation for himself and his wife, that is what he must do and that is better in order to maintain good relationships and keep his life free of headaches.

Marriage Etiquette

Marriage Etiquette

Marriage is a gift, a special bond between man and woman, husband and wife.  Much has been written about how we should behave towards a spouse after marriage, but no texts are more appropriate than the teachings of the Qur’an and Sunnah.  Within this article, we have attempted to bring together information on marriage etiquette from a variety of sources, which we hope will guide and inspire you in this most wonderful relationship.

A spouse has been described as “a partner, companion and best friend”.  The closeness between spouses is unlike any other relationship.  The following verse from the Qur’an sums it up perfectly:“They are your garments and you are their garments” [Surah Al Baqarah 2:187].  This illustrates how “spouses provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support and the adornment that garments provide to humans”.

The first few years of marriage are often the most challenging as this is the period when husband and wife are getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other’s habits and personalities, as well as to their new roles in society.  There are, however, a number of matters of etiquette for married couples to observe which will help to ensure harmony and understanding during this time of transition, as well as in the long term.

Expectations

Everyone has different expectations of marriage but it important that these expectations are realistic.  The “happy ever after” portrayed in many Hollywood and Bollywood films is achievable but we must remember that it takes time, patience and effort to build and maintain this strong marital bond.

First and foremost, do not expect your partner to be perfect.  Only Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) is perfect.  All of us have our good points and our bad points, and husbands and wives must learn to delight in the good points and accept the bad.  We cannot expect to always agree with our spouses.  They are not an extension of ourselves; they are their own person with their own personalities, views, likes and dislikes, which we should try to understand rather than change.

A happy marriage cannot be taken for granted. It requires constant giving from both sides.  Be mindful that even small things can make a huge difference to the relationship.  Be honest with your partner.  Both partners in marriage should feel free to speak their mind but must be careful not to hurt the other’s feelings.  Pay each other compliments and show appreciation for the things that your spouse does for you.

Problems between couples may arise from a lack of information before marriage.  Therefore it is important to discuss your future expectations beforehand.  Such issues could include whether the wife will work outside the home, when the couple plan to have children, where and with whom (if anyone) they should live, how they will work together to ensure a happy marriage, etc.

In marriage, the husband takes the lead.  However, according to Islam, marriage is a partnership.  Rather than being a dictator in the relationship, the husband is seen more as a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock.  In Islam, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes and does so with humbleness and humility.  The husband is expected to consult his wife (Shura), especially in relation to family matters, and to respect and value her opinion.

Spending time together

It is important to make time for each other and to enjoy spending time together.  It is only through being together that we can learn to communicate effectively with our spouses, to share our hopes and fears and to feel responsible for each other.  When this bond is strong, the couple becomes a “team”, working together for the same ends.

Establish your own rituals.  Set aside time together.  This is especially important if both partners are working.  This time can be spent praying together, deciding upon finances or a weekly menu, pursuing a hobby together or simply taking time to enjoy each other’s company. Show interest in your spouse’s hobbies and encourage your spouse to take interest in yours.

Your marital bond will enable you to build a close relationship, both physically and emotionally.  However, giving each other sufficient space in the relationship will bring balance.  In addition, show forgiveness  if your partner makes a mistake and do not hold grudges.  Develop closeness and fondness by laughing and having fun together.  Plan for your future together. This will bring peace of mind and cement your relationship.

Sexual relations

Time and effort are required to establish a sexual relationship in marriage, which is in tune with the needs of each partner.  It is essential that both are informed about Islamic sexual etiquette, especially what is permissible (halaal) and what is forbidden (haram).

Before intercourse, it is recommended that spouses indulge in foreplay in order to make penetration more comfortable.

The Prophet (ṣall Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam صلى الله عليه وسلم‎) said that, before intercourse, a husband should make Du’a to Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) so that if He granted the couple a child, then it would not be affected by Shaitan. “Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim (in the name of Allah), O Allah! Protect us from Shaitan and protect the sustenance (child) you give us from Shaitan.”

He also told men not to leave before their wives are satisfied. If a husband wishes to have intercourse again then he should first do Wudhu(ablution) just as he would for prayer. Not only will it cleanse him, but also invigorate him. (An explanation of Wudhu can be found at the end of this article.) However, taking a bath is preferred and it is required before prayer, using the Qur’an or entering the masjid.

A couple is permitted to take a bath together and intercourse can be in any position that they choose. However, it is haram for a man to enter his wife anally and oral sex is also forbidden.

It is also forbidden to have intercourse while the wife has her menstrual period (Haidh or Mahidh). During this time, the couple may kiss or touch but the woman must cover her groin area so that it does not touch her mate. The Prophet (ṣall Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam صلى الله عليه وسلم‎) said: “Do everything except the intercourse.” [Muslim and Abu Dawood]

The above also applies for the first forty days after childbirth or until the bleeding stops, whichever comes sooner. Intercourse can then resume once she is clean, having performed wudhu or taken a bath.

Couples must refrain from intercourse from dawn till dusk during the month of Ramadan while they are fasting. They may kiss or hug but it should not be taken further or their fasting will be invalid. This is also relevant when they are fasting voluntarily. And, for those fortunate enough to go on Umrah to Mecca, it is important to abstain from intercourse and all intimate relations, including kissing, hugging and also talking about them. As Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) said: “But do not associate with your wives while you are in retreat in mosques.” [Qur’an: Al-Baqarah 2:187]

Intimacy between a husband and a wife should always be done privately. Revealing secrets is unIslamic.  Therefore, partners should never discuss bedroom matters with others. If discussion becomes necessary, for example, due to medical matters or where there is a need for a marriage mentor, this should take place only with an authority figure that has both partners’ interests at heart.

Our Prophet (ṣall Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam صلى الله عليه وسلم‎) recommends that husbands and wives make themselves physically attractive to each other and to pay even more attention to this after marriage.  Spouses should take care of themselves, to look good and stay clean in order not to cause offence to the other.  Elegance and beautification are encouraged in Islam.

Family and friends

Islam demands that a special effort should be made to show kindness and respect to your spouse’s family.  A bond with your in-laws does not develop overnight.  It requires regular, healthy contact, openness and a willingness to accept your differences.  Acceptance of your spouse’s family and showing them hospitality can only strengthen the bond between you and your partner and help to make marital relations easier.

In line with Islamic rules of social relations we should avoid sarcasm, backbiting and calling each other offensive nicknames.  Instead, we should make a special effort to respect each other as family members.  Everyone is different.  Therefore, do not compare your partner to members of your family and do not compare in-laws to your parents.  This can lead to friction and resentment.

Friends are important to married couples and it can be useful to schedule a “friends time” where husband and wife can meet privately with friends.  The couple should also make an effort to make family friends, friendships with other married couples.  However, of the highest importance is to develop a deep and lasting friendship with your spouse.

Taking an active role in the Islamic community is something that married couples can do together and that will heighten your commitment to Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى). It is also a good way of making new friends together. Invite friends, and family, to dinner at your home and cement these relationships.

Commitment to Allah

As Islam is a way of life, it is an integral part of the couple’s relationship.  They are bound by their common faith and in their desire to please Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى).  Each should be responsible for enhancing their partner’s spiritual development.  Support each other in your obedience to Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) and make time to pray together.  This will strengthen your relationship with Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) and, in turn, ensure that your marital bond remains strong.

Finding a Partner

Marriage is highly respected in Islam and can be looked upon as a form of worship.

Indeed, brothers and sisters can complete half their faith through marriage, and marriage itself brings many benefits. Young men are encouraged to marry as soon as they are in a position where they can support a wife, and parents of young women are encouraged to allow them to marry as soon as a proposal is made by a suitable man. The Prophet (ṣall Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam صلى الله عليه وسلم‎) said,

“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at women and preserves your chastity.” [Bukhari]

Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) has given men and women sexual urges. Such feelings are recognised in Islam and are channelled through the institution of marriage. Indeed, procreation within marriage is considered a good deed, worthy of reward. However, sex outside marriage is strictly forbidden.

Sisters, choose a Wali

A Wali is a guardian, usually the closest male relative to a woman (a father, or in his absence, an uncle or brother), who will advise, support and protect her in her search for a marriage partner.  A Walishould have a firm understanding of marriage and the importance of compatibility, and must be able act responsibly and give sound advice.
Men do not need a Wali as the Wali’s main role is to protect his guard from enquiries from men who may be unsuitable or whose intentions may not be pure. In this way, enquiries from males are first screened by the Wali, who is able to advise the woman according to his wealth of experience, although she retains the right to make the final decision.
The presence of the Wali will also be required at the Nikah, where he agrees to the wedding contract on behalf of the bride.

Finding a companion

Finding a marriage partner is a huge step – you are looking for a life-long companion, so no decision can be taken lightly. Traditionally, the family was responsible for searching for a suitable partner for the son or daughter and women often played a passive role, although, thanks to the Prophet (ṣall Allahuʿalayhi wa sallam صلى الله عليه وسلم‎), a girl has the right to express her views on a prospective partner:

"The permission of the virgin is to be sought. And if she does not object, her silence is her permission." [Al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others]

Modern life is quite different; Muslim girls now meet boys at school or at Islamic groups, and communities are no longer static as young people often move away to university or in search of work. This has led to the proliferation of more modern ways of finding a partner.

There are a number of methods, approved by Shariah law, which brothers and sisters can use to search for a partner. You may choose one or a combination of methods; however, you should ensure that your conduct is halaal. Remember: if one route proves unsuccessful, others may yield more success.

Parents

The most common way of finding a partner is still through ones parents. Give your parents as much information as possible on what you are looking for in a spouse and encourage them to  ask friends, family and acquaintances in the Muslim community if they know of a potential partner who is looking to marry. If you have a good relationship with your parents, they can be guided by you and you can have the final say.

Community leaders

Community leaders, such as the Imam or a scholar, will know of other brothers and sisters in the community who are looking for a partner.

Friends

Friends can also be of help in your search. Your friends’ spouses may have friends or relatives who are looking to marry. However, make sure that you choose a trusted friend, who will have an idea of what you seek in a companion, and ensure that you involve the Wali as soon as you find someone with potential.

Meeting someone at college/work/in the community

These days, brothers and sisters mix at college, work and at community groups. If you know somebody who you think could be a potential partner, arrange for them to meet your Wali so that the matter of marriage can be discussed. Meeting a partner in this way is allowed; however, both parties shouldbehave modestly.

Matrimonial agencies

There are many matrimonial agencies that claim they will find your “perfect match”. Ensure that you research any agency thoroughly before signing up. Find out about their reputation, how contact is made by potential suitors, and what it costs? Whereas some agencies undoubtedly provide a successful service, others are unmonitored and do not respect your privacy; they may give out personal phone numbers so that you are inundated with calls from unsuitable men or women.

Matrimonial websites

The use of matrimonial websites is becoming more and more popular. To many young Muslims, it’s the “new” way. However, it is important to choose a website that has sound Islamic principles at its heart in order to ensure that your search for a marriage partner is halaal.

Before registering, make sure that you read the website thoroughly; a good matrimonial site will publish a code of conduct, confidentiality and privacy statements, which will be easy to find, and the site will be closely monitored, so that any user that abuses the service can be removed from it. The best sites will encourage you to create a username that is different from your own name and will warn you about giving out personal information until you are sure about the person you are in contact with.

Some websites have a live chat facility. Use this rather than other channels such as MSN as it will be monitored and therefore safer. Check out the website’s success rate; the best sites will publish success stories. Read them and get a feel for the type of people who use the service.

When they find somebody who could be a potential match, sisters should encourage them to contact their Wali, and brothers should ask to speak with the Wali. The first meeting should be made with theWali present, although it is permitted for you to meet without a Wali if it is in a public place and the rules of modesty are followed.

 Trust in Allah

“Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him.” [Qur’an 3:159]

Ask Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) for guidance and make Du’a. Trust in Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) and your search will be successful.