Entering the marital bond :The wedding night

Entering the marital bond :The wedding night

For a woman, the wedding day is one of the happiest and most exciting days of her life. The preparations, the guests and the festivities are all in anticipation of this very special event. At the same time, many women also experience a great deal of apprehension and anxiety, particularly as the wedding night approaches. Many are concerned about how it will be for them, what will happen, how their new husbands will treat them. It is an unknown experience that stirs up many emotions and concerns.

Islam is a religion that has maintained the special nature of the wedding and the wedding night, providing specific prescriptions for those events. Intimate relations between a man and a woman are only allowed within the marital bond, ensuring the uniqueness of that day and that relationship. It is important to recall that the union of man and woman is an innate occurrence and, because of that, it will come naturally. Allaah (SWT) Says (what means): “And We created you in pairs.” [Quran 78: 8] Islam has regulated this relationship on the basis of wisdom and nature. Through marriage, the natural instinct is provided for within reasonable and appropriate limits. This prevents the disorder and disharmony that we see in societies where these limits are not in place. The Islamic prescriptions are the most beneficial for the human beings, as well as the society in regard to sexual and marital relations. The individual is able to fulfill his or her desires in a healthy and wholesome manner, while protecting the society from iniquity at the same time.

So, as couples unite, they should reflect upon the fact that they are fulfilling an important duty in Islam and will be rewarded accordingly. There is also a spiritual component to this union along with the other elements. This means that they will be accountable to Allaah (SWT) in all that they do in relation to this union. They are embarking on a new course in life, which will present new challenges and new joys. They will need to learn about each other – the other person’s needs, personality, temperament, and uniqueness. Patience will be needed since any match will not be perfect and there will most certainly be differences. This will be true regarding intimate matters as well, and this should be kept in mind as the couple begins their journey together on the first day of marriage. The couple should take time to get to know and understand one another and to discover the uniqueness and desires of their new life partner. This should be done in a gradual and sensitive manner. Each individual should be more concerned about the needs and wants of their partner, more so than his or her own self. This is a very delicate issue, especially for women who are generally more sensitive and emotional.

Mothers, sisters and friends who are experienced should assist in preparing the bride for the wedding night. They should be supportive and provide her with the necessary information. This will lessen her anxiety and make her feel comfortable knowing that other women have had similar experiences. All of this should be done, of course, without providing specific details of each individual’s experiences for this is a very personal matter. The discussion can be general and based upon the Quran and the Sunnah.
The following are some of the etiquette that should be considered in preparing for this special night. This information will also be valuable and useful throughout the marriage.

1. Special supplications and prayer

As the union for a man and a woman embodies an inherent spiritual component, the couple should remember Allaah (SWT) at this time. The husband should put his hand on his wife’s head and supplicate for her. The Prophet (SAW) said: “If one of you marries a woman, he should take her by her forelock, mention Allaah’s Name and supplicate for blessing by saying, ‘O Allaah, I ask you for her good and the good of what You have dispositioned her toward and I seek refuge (in You) from her evil and the evil You have dispositioned her toward.’” [Al-Bukhaari]

Following this, the couple performs two Rak’ahs (units of prayer) together.
Before becoming intimate, the man should say, “Bismillaah, Allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaytaana wa jannibish-shaytaana ma razaqtana,” which means: “In the name of Allaah, O Allaah, ward off Satan from us and ward off from Satan what you grant us.” The Prophet (SAW) said: “Then, if Allaah decrees that they should have a child, Satan will never harm him.” [Al-Bukhaari] This should be said before each intimate act in order to protect the children who may be conceived.

2. Cleanliness

Miswaak (tooth stick) –It is recommended for each partner to clean his or her teeth and mouth with Miswaak or a toothbrush. This will make it easier for them to come close to each other and enhance the relations. Shurayh Ibn Haani’ (RA) said: “I asked 'Aa'ishah (RA) , what the Prophet (SAW) would begin with when he entered his house and she (RA) said: ‘Cleaning his teeth.’” [Muslim]

Wudhoo’ (ablution) and Ghusl (ritual bathing) – after the couple have completed the sexual act and wish to repeat it, it is recommended to perform ablution before this. This is the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW) as demonstrated in the following narration. The Messenger of Allaah (SAW) said: “If one of you has gone to his wife and he wishes to repeat the act, he should (first) perform ablution.” [Muslim] After completion of intimacies, it is required for both spouses complete Ghusl (a ritual bath) before resuming prayer and other religious acts.

3. Appropriate behavior

The husband may approach his wife in any manner that he wishes as long as it is through the vagina. Allaah (SWT) Says (what means): “Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish and put forth [righteousness] for yourselves…” [Quran 2: 223] It is imperative to stay away from the anal area and to avoid intercourse when the woman is menstruating. The Prophet (SAW) said: “Whoever has intercourse with a menstruating woman or with a woman through the anus has committed disbelief in what has been revealed to Muhammad.” [Ahmad and Abu Daawood] These acts are to be avoided because they are unnatural and they may lead to various physical, psychological, and interpersonal problems.

The union between a man and a woman is a special gift which has been given by Allaah (SWT) . It is one of the bounties of this life and, as such, it should be treated accordingly. It is a relationship that should be based upon love, compassion, and concern for the other. It is an act of charity for which Allaah (SWT) will reward both partners. The Prophet (SAW) said: “In having intercourse (with your wife) there is an act of charity (for which you shall be rewarded).” The companions (RA) said, “O Messenger of Allaah, one of us fulfills his desires and he will be rewarded for that?” He (SAW) said: “Do you not see that if he fulfills it in a forbidden way that he will have its burden (it being a sin). In the same way if he fulfills it in a permissible way, he shall have a reward.” [Muslim]

As the couple begin their life together as husband and wife, they should keep to these important principles and, Allaah willing (inshaAllah), Allaah (SWT) will reward them with a long and happy life together.

Restoring and maintaining intimacy in marriage

Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other’s emotional needs again.
What is intimacy?

Intimacy is closeness to each other. In an intimate state, spouses communicate smoothly, rush to do whatever it takes to make each other happy, and avoid what might upset or annoy the other. Couples can achieve this state only through meeting each other’s psychological, emotional and physical needs.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Mainstream-counseling perspective
From Dr. Harley's research and experience in trying to save marriages through counseling, he concluded that couples negotiate from one of three states of mind, each having its own unique negotiating rules and its own unique emotional reactions. He called these states of mind, 'intimacy', 'conflict' and 'withdrawal'.

Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other's emotional needs again. The first and most important concept that Dr. Harley produced to help couples understand the rise and fall of romantic love is "the Love Bank Account". In his study of what it takes to build love bank accounts, he learned that habits were much more important to consider than isolated instances of behavior. Habits that deposit love units build very large love bank balances because they are repeated over and over almost effortlessly. Isolated behaviors, on the other hand, usually do not affect the love bank much. Similarly, habits that withdraw love units tend to destroy love bank balances because they are also repeated almost effortlessly. In marriage, one of the most destructive behaviors is an angry outburst, where one spouse intentionally tries to hurt the other one, causing massive love bank withdrawals.

As a starting point to build the love bank balance, dr. Harley encourages spouses to get into the habit of doing whatever it takes to make each other happy (deposit love units), and avoid habits that make each other unhappy (withdraw love units). Through his counseling experience, he proved the success of his approach in saving marriages and restoring intimacy. As soon as he realized that a large love bank balance triggered the feeling of love, he tried to discover what spouses could do for each other that would make the largest love bank deposits. "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" He asked each couple that he counseled, and then he compiled the answers he had in a set of audiotapes that teaches what a husband needs from his wife and what a wife needs from her husband.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Islamic perspective
As committed Muslims who believe that the Islamic message is the absolute final truth that provides the cure for every ailment and grants the ultimate happiness in both this life and eternal life, we weigh any information or research findings with the message of Islam to accept what is compatible and reject what contradicts any of Islam's teachings. Dr. Harley's recommendations in the twenty first century were not any different from what Allaah Almighty, and his Messenger (SAW) taught us fourteen hundred years ago.

Marriage unites the souls
The Quran emphasizes the essential unity of men and women in the most beautiful metaphor for intimacy. Allaah (SWT) Says (what means): "…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…" [Quran 2: 187]

Just as a garment hides our nakedness, so do husband and wife, by entering into the relationship of marriage, secure each other's chastity, and cover each other's faults. The garment gives comfort, grace and beauty to the body; so does a husband find comfort in his wife's company and she in his.
The Quran has given the comprehensive description of intimacy in marriage, and considered it one of His Signs. Allaah (SWT) Says (what means): "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." [Quran 30: 21]

Islamic tips to restore and maintain intimacy in marriage

Islam gave us detailed instructions that identify rights, responsibilities and characters of both husband and wife to build their relationship on mutual love, respect, and mercy. Here are the most important tips that lead to a successful and happy marriage.

1. Faith: Common faith binds the couple strongly. Since Islam is a way of life, it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. Couples with strong faith will share the same values and the frame of reference and communicate smoothly and effectively. Faith plays an essential role in developing a loving relationship.
Couples who work on strengthening their faith, for example by performing the Prayer, reading Quran, and seeking Islamic knowledge together, become closer. They love and please Allaah (SWT) through loving and pleasing each other. The commitment couples make to Allaah (SWT) are excellent facilitators for enhancing their family's spiritual development and commitment to Allaah (SWT) and His Religion.

2. Forgiving: When the Prophet (SAW) said to his Companions (RA): "Do you wish that Allaah should forgive you?" They said, 'of course, O Prophet of Allaah.' He (SAW) responded: 'Then forgive each other.'"
One of the main components of a happy marriage is forgiveness. It is a challenge not to blame and to move past an incident when one hurts the other. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not too stingy to forgive.

3. Friendship: A relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures. We mean the friendship that is based on honor, trust, respect, acceptance and care for each other, in spite of our differences.

4. Feelings: The Prophet (SAW) stated that Allaah (SWT) forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others, i.e., hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples must be very careful not to hurt the feelings of each other and if they inadvertently do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

5. Openness: Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind honestly with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not sincere it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

6. Flattering: Paving compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouses heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being scant with compliments is actually depriving one of being appreciated in return.

7. Unconditional giving: The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

8. Fallibility: When couples start to demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allaah (SWT) is Perfect.

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide ... part 3

9. Not keeping secrets

A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.

Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor", someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart.

10. Finances

How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.

To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in the marriage.

A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.

Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.

11. Give each other space

A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other hand and foot.

Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.

Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.

The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.