The Islamic View Of Adoption And Caring For Homeless Children

The Islamic View Of Adoption And Caring For Homeless Children
by Imad-ad-Dean Ahmad, Ph.D.

The most famous orphan in Islamic culture is, without doubt, the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. His father died before he was born and by the time he was eight he had lost both his mother and the grandfather who named him. He was subsequently raised by his uncle Abu Talib who continued to be his protector until his own death, when Muhammad was an adult of almost fifty years of age.

When Muhammad's wife Khadijah gave to him a slave named Zaid, Muhammad freed the boy and raised him as if he were his own son. The importance of taking homeless children to care for them is well-established in Islam. Given these facts, it is somewhat startling to hear Muslims assert that adoption in prohibited in Islam. The confusion is over the precise definition of the term adoption. We shall seek to clarify the issue here.

Foster Parenting

The Islam form of "adoption" is called kafâla, which literally means sponsorship, but comes from the root word meaning "to feed." It is best translated as "foster parenting." Algerian family law defines the concept thusly: "Kafala, or legal fostering, is the promise to undertake without payment the upkeep, education and protection of a minor, in the same way as a father would do for his son."

If "legal fostering" in Islam requires fulfilling these parental duties "in the same way as a father would do for his son," then how does it differ from legal adoption as understood in the United States? There are three significant differences:

denial or acknowledgement of identity by blood lineage
inheritance
and implications for the possibilities of marriage partners.
I shall discuss these in reverse order.

Possibilities of Marriage Partners

Although the specifics differ in the two cases, both American law and Islamic law use proximity of relation as a criterion for the permissibility of marriage. Under Islamic law and in some American states first cousins may marry, but under neither law could a father marry his daughter.

Under Islamic law a man may not marry his son's ex-wife, but he may marry his adopted son's ex-wife. This fact does not mean that adoption is illegal, it only means that a legal system that imposes a prohibition on marriage to the ex-wife of an adopted son is imposing an additional constraint beyond that imposed by Islamic law. An examination of the relevant Qur'anic verse clearly shows its purpose is to reform the practice of adoption by removing such prohibitions rather than to end the practice:

"Allah has not made … your adopted sons your sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah tells (you) the Truth and He shows the (right) Way. Call them by (the names) of their fathers: that is more just in the sight of Allah but if you know not their father's (names call them) your Brothers in faith or your Maulâs. But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein: (what counts is) the intention of your hearts: and Allah is Oft-Returning Most Merciful. The Prophet is closer to the Believers than their own selves and his wives are their mothers. Blood-relations among each other have closer personal ties in the Decree of Allah than (the Brotherhood of) Believers and Muhajirs: nevertheless do what is just to your closest friends: such is the writing in the Decree (of Allah)."

The wording is very significant here. The text does not ban adoption, but only says that the use of the word "son" with respect to an adoptee is just a phrase and not a blood (or genetic) fact.

Nor should it be inferred that it is prohibiting the use of the word son (in a metaphorical sense), since it should then logically follow that the term brother (explicitly approved in the text) would also have to be prohibited for the same reasons. Our adopted sons are not our genetic sons any more than our brothers in faith are our genetic brothers. The purpose of the verse is clearly to prevent drawing legal restrictions from the metaphorical use of the word "son" in describing a foster relationship.

Thus one might marry the ex-wife of one's foster son (as one might marry the ex-wife of a blood brother), but one can no more marry a daughter than one could marry a sister.

Analogy to blood relations is not the only relevant issue here. Islamic law forbids a man to marry a woman who had been suckled by the same wet nurse as the man, regardless of whether either was adopted by the wet nurse. Here, too, we see that the issue is not adoption, but how social relationships bear on the question of marriageability.

Inheritance

The issue of inheritance may be dealt with briefly. In most American states, an adopted child has the same automatic rights of inheritance as a genetic child. In a few states, as under Islamic law, inheritance is not automatic but needs to be specified in the will. American law recognizes the validity of wills that specify an inheritance distribution based on Islamic law, so this constitutes no objection to adoption by American Muslims.

Identity by Blood Lineage

Finally, we consider the issue of identity by blood lineage. It has been the custom in America to downplay (or even) hide the identity of blood parents in cases of adoption. Recently there has been a welcome trend giving adopted children some rights to discovery in this matter. In this respect American laws are moving in an Islamic direction. The advantages from a medical point of view to such knowledge are obvious, but there are also issues of the subjective importance of knowing one's own identity.

The verses of the Qur'an quoted above makes it clear that identity is defined by blood. Experience shows that openness about the true identity of children need not be an obstacle to love and caring between foster parents and adoptees. This is an especially important issue for American Muslims adopting children from abroad. It is neither necessary nor desirable to deny the cultural heritage of these children.

Restoring and maintaining intimacy in marriage

Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other’s emotional needs again.
What is intimacy?

Intimacy is closeness to each other. In an intimate state, spouses communicate smoothly, rush to do whatever it takes to make each other happy, and avoid what might upset or annoy the other. Couples can achieve this state only through meeting each other’s psychological, emotional and physical needs.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Mainstream-counseling perspective
From Dr. Harley's research and experience in trying to save marriages through counseling, he concluded that couples negotiate from one of three states of mind, each having its own unique negotiating rules and its own unique emotional reactions. He called these states of mind, 'intimacy', 'conflict' and 'withdrawal'.

Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other's emotional needs again. The first and most important concept that Dr. Harley produced to help couples understand the rise and fall of romantic love is "the Love Bank Account". In his study of what it takes to build love bank accounts, he learned that habits were much more important to consider than isolated instances of behavior. Habits that deposit love units build very large love bank balances because they are repeated over and over almost effortlessly. Isolated behaviors, on the other hand, usually do not affect the love bank much. Similarly, habits that withdraw love units tend to destroy love bank balances because they are also repeated almost effortlessly. In marriage, one of the most destructive behaviors is an angry outburst, where one spouse intentionally tries to hurt the other one, causing massive love bank withdrawals.

As a starting point to build the love bank balance, dr. Harley encourages spouses to get into the habit of doing whatever it takes to make each other happy (deposit love units), and avoid habits that make each other unhappy (withdraw love units). Through his counseling experience, he proved the success of his approach in saving marriages and restoring intimacy. As soon as he realized that a large love bank balance triggered the feeling of love, he tried to discover what spouses could do for each other that would make the largest love bank deposits. "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" He asked each couple that he counseled, and then he compiled the answers he had in a set of audiotapes that teaches what a husband needs from his wife and what a wife needs from her husband.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Islamic perspective
As committed Muslims who believe that the Islamic message is the absolute final truth that provides the cure for every ailment and grants the ultimate happiness in both this life and eternal life, we weigh any information or research findings with the message of Islam to accept what is compatible and reject what contradicts any of Islam's teachings. Dr. Harley's recommendations in the twenty first century were not any different from what Allaah Almighty, and his Messenger (SAW) taught us fourteen hundred years ago.

Marriage unites the souls
The Quran emphasizes the essential unity of men and women in the most beautiful metaphor for intimacy. Allaah (SWT) Says (what means): "…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…" [Quran 2: 187]

Just as a garment hides our nakedness, so do husband and wife, by entering into the relationship of marriage, secure each other's chastity, and cover each other's faults. The garment gives comfort, grace and beauty to the body; so does a husband find comfort in his wife's company and she in his.
The Quran has given the comprehensive description of intimacy in marriage, and considered it one of His Signs. Allaah (SWT) Says (what means): "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." [Quran 30: 21]

Islamic tips to restore and maintain intimacy in marriage

Islam gave us detailed instructions that identify rights, responsibilities and characters of both husband and wife to build their relationship on mutual love, respect, and mercy. Here are the most important tips that lead to a successful and happy marriage.

1. Faith: Common faith binds the couple strongly. Since Islam is a way of life, it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. Couples with strong faith will share the same values and the frame of reference and communicate smoothly and effectively. Faith plays an essential role in developing a loving relationship.
Couples who work on strengthening their faith, for example by performing the Prayer, reading Quran, and seeking Islamic knowledge together, become closer. They love and please Allaah (SWT) through loving and pleasing each other. The commitment couples make to Allaah (SWT) are excellent facilitators for enhancing their family's spiritual development and commitment to Allaah (SWT) and His Religion.

2. Forgiving: When the Prophet (SAW) said to his Companions (RA): "Do you wish that Allaah should forgive you?" They said, 'of course, O Prophet of Allaah.' He (SAW) responded: 'Then forgive each other.'"
One of the main components of a happy marriage is forgiveness. It is a challenge not to blame and to move past an incident when one hurts the other. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not too stingy to forgive.

3. Friendship: A relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures. We mean the friendship that is based on honor, trust, respect, acceptance and care for each other, in spite of our differences.

4. Feelings: The Prophet (SAW) stated that Allaah (SWT) forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others, i.e., hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples must be very careful not to hurt the feelings of each other and if they inadvertently do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

5. Openness: Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind honestly with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not sincere it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

6. Flattering: Paving compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouses heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being scant with compliments is actually depriving one of being appreciated in return.

7. Unconditional giving: The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

8. Fallibility: When couples start to demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allaah (SWT) is Perfect.

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide ... part 3

9. Not keeping secrets

A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.

Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor", someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart.

10. Finances

How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.

To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in the marriage.

A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.

Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.

11. Give each other space

A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other hand and foot.

Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.

Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.

The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide ... part 2

5. In-laws

The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.

Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.

As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.

In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.

6. Realism

Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.

Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.




7. Making a schedule and establishing rituals

Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.

Some rituals couples can establish may include:

• praying at least one prayer together

• attending a study circle together once a week

• deciding on a weekly menu

• having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
• setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
• setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house

• setting a time to discuss finances and a budget

• making a phone contacting during the day

• deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit  each other's parents

By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate lives.

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide ... part 1

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide

More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to Shahina Siddiqui, executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA).

The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.

Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.

1. Lack of proper information before marriage

A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:
• whether or not the wife will work outside the home
• will the couple wait to have children
• which city and country the couple will live in after marriage
• will they live with his parents or have their own apartment
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.

2. Who's in charge?

One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.

Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise.
While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the couple's family life like a dictatorship.

It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility.

A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.

Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.

3. The divorce option

Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage.

It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.

They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.


4. Sexual problems

It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.
In the sex-saturated culture of North America (and everywhere else), couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.

In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.

It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.

On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.